Wild Irish Rose Read online

  For the next three days, while Jason is away, I am sick every morning, and then I suddenly realize I have not started my curse. I am going to have Jason’s baby. But how could that be? I have never conceived before! I think how Jamie said he didn’t want me if I couldn’t have any children. Was that Jason speaking, or Jamie, I wonder? Well I certainly won’t tell him he is about to become a father. I will be long gone, before I even start showing, and then Jason will never hear from me again. I will stow away on a ship to America and start a life of my own, I decide, with renewed determination.

  Three days later, Jason returns. He looks tired. This double life he is living must be taking a toll on him. I am starting to look at him from a whole new perspective. Before I thought I didn’t know Jason. Now I realize that was an understatement.

  I suddenly start noticing all those little things that I should have seen, that tied him to Jamie. Not only his name being Jamie, when he first met me, and when we were in England, and his mother called him that, but little mannerisms that I should have picked up on. His laugh was a lot like Jamie’s, and while Jamie put on the Irish accent, there was a certain flux to his voice. Then I start remembering when Jason made love to me in England, and if I closed my eyes, it was almost like Jamie making love to me. Then there was the time that time Jamie called me a wild Irish rose. He knew my name was Rose, and almost gave himself away. So many little hints, even by some of the things that both Jason and Jamie said, that should have tipped me off, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that Jamie was worthy of my love, while Jason wasn’t.

  Being a land owner he had a lot to lose if the movement succeeded. Why was he doing this? I wished I could ask him, but I don’t want him to know that I have discovered he is Jamie my lover. I feel embarrassed for the way I had given myself to Jamie willingly, and shunned Jason, the man who claimed he was trying to help me. Was he really trying to help me, or was it his infatuation with the girl he helped to plant potatoes that motivated him? All he ever talked about was how beautiful he thought I was, even back when he first met me. Was it my beauty that had caused him to take me under his wing and then, eventually, force me to marry him? Or was there something deeper?

  Did he truly regret causing my husband’s death and think I should hate him, or was that just Jamie’s way of getting me to fall out of love with him, so Jason, my so called husband, could have me without reserve? Even if I confronted him, I don’t know if I would ever discover the truth. He could tell me anything he wanted me to believe. It was all the more reason why I shouldn’t trust him.

  Jason is looking at me as we sit at the dinning table. “There is something subtly different about you,” he says quietly. “You seem very reserved. What has happened?”

  “I have decided to stop working for the cause,” I say quietly.

  “Why?” he asks. “Nothing I could ever say would make you change your mind. What has happened to alter it.”

  “I don’t think it will work. Something is not right. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

  “Well that is a relief discovering you have given up hope on it, and if it is bound to fail, I have nothing to worry about, do I?”

  “At least you will not have to worry about me swinging from the end of a rope,” I smile.

  “That would be a terrible sight. I want our marriage to be long and eventually loving, once we get used to each other, and all this Fenian business is behind us.”

  “When do you think it will be behind us?” I ask.

  “No telling. Maybe nothing will come of it. I mean how could they really overthrow the English? The Scottish couldn’t do it, so what makes the Irish think they can?”

  “Well, apparently someone thinks the Irish have it in them,” I say.

  “I want you to know I will sleep easier now that I know you have given up on getting involved,” he whispers. “I have been very worried about you.”

  “So is my lover. Strange how men are all the same,” I say.

  “When it comes to women, men want to protect them,” he tells me.

  “Yes, I suppose that must be the answer,” I murmur.

  “How is your health? You did not look too well when I left,” he observes.

  “I was actually sick the whole time you were away. Some of it may be lingering,” I tell him, just in case I start retching when he is around.

  “You should take better care of yourself. All this staying out all night, must be affecting your health. It will probably pass once you slow down some.”

  “Perhaps,” I say. But I know what ails me will take nine months to pass, I smile to myself. All the times I wanted a child with Ferrell, and never got one, and now I hadn’t even been trying to get one, and one came. It must have been Ferrell that couldn’t give me children, not the other way around, I decide.

  Jason’s voice breaks into my thoughts. “My mother was really impressed with you. She tells me that she can’t wait until she has some grandchildren,” he says, taking a long look at me.

  “Is this your way of telling me you want me in your bed?” I ask. I told Jamie I couldn’t bare children, but he is playing like he doesn’t know, and wants an excuse to have me in his bed.

  “I would never want you in my bed unless you came willingly,” he tells me. “You seemed to regret it when we were in England, so I have not pressed you. Perhaps in time.”

  “Perhaps,” I say, “but in all the time I was married to Ferrell, I never conceived. I doubt that I can. Why waste hope trying?” I actually feel sorry for him. He is trying to be understanding, but after the way he had Jamie treat me, I cannot forgive him. He knew when we got back he would make it so I couldn’t go to Jamie again, and if I had not found Jamie’s costume under his bed, I never would have been the wiser. I would have spent many a night crying over losing Jamie.

  “I believe the trying would be enjoyable, though,” he half smiles.

  “I think I would like to go and visit with my friends at the farms,” I say, changing the subject. “I have missed them and I am starting to feel restless. Perhaps I could stay in my old farmhouse for a few days, if you didn’t mind. At least you would know where I was, and I am used to the place. I am surprised you have not put anyone in it yet.”

  “I felt it might upset you, seeing someone else living there,” he mumbles.

  “But you said the reason you were taking me to the manor was because I couldn’t work the farm, and you needed someone in it.”

  “It was the only way I could get you to come,” he tells me. “I knew you wouldn’t want to leave. After all you spent three years there with your Husband, but if you stayed, you would just sit and mourn his death forever. Besides, you couldn’t work the farm by yourself. If you want to go spend some time there, I have no problem with it.”

  “Thank you, Jason. I’m glad you trust me.”

  “We need to trust each other,” he smiles, and I think neither of us can be trusted. He certainly shouldn’t trust me, and I will never trust him. While I am at the farm, I will find out when the next meeting is and show up, but this time I will make sure Jamie does not see me, because I will go early and hide up in the loft, and then wait until everyone is gone before I come down. Only Randy will know I am there, but he won’t betray me. He is the only one I can really trust, I think. Randy had loved me, at the same time Ferrell did and had never told me because he knew I loved Ferrell and not him. It makes me feel even worse.

  CHAPTER TEN

  I sit in my old farmhouse and too many memories come up to haunt me. First my years with Ferrell, and then my time with Jamie there, who was really Jason. I was young and inexperienced when I got married. I didn’t know anything about sharing of the body. Jamie taught me all that. Jason, I amend to myself. It is hard not to separate the two. They were so different to me. It confuses me even more. I think of how abandoned I had been with Jamie. How I had done things with him, I never tried with Ferrell. And then Jason, as my husband, tried to show me he could be loving as well, but h
e was not quite as passionate as the Jamie part of himself. He knew I would never be as abandoned with him acting as my husband, as I was with him when he was acting as Jamie, my lover.

  I thought my love for Ferrell went beyond time and space and then discovered that it was my life time of being with Ferrell and no one else which made me believe that was all there was to love. Now I don’t know what love is. Did I really love Jamie? I never thought I could ever love Jason, and yet they were one and the same. Jamie inspired me, while Jason tried to dictate to me. Which was the true man, I wonder?

  When Randy sees I have moved into the farmhouse, he comes to the door with a puzzled look on his face. “Has the master thrown you out of the manor?” he asks, “or have you just run away?”

  “He said I could spend a few days here because he thinks I have given up the cause. I asked him if I could come here to visit my friends.”

  “But you haven’t given up the cause, have you?” he says knowingly.

  “No, but only because I have to figure out a riddle, and the only way is to discover where the cause leads. I am not sure if there is a traitor among us or not, and the only way to discover it, is to watch from a distance. That is why I don’t want Jason, or Jamie to know I am still coming to the meetings.”

  “Are you going to end up getting yourself into trouble?” Randy asks.

  “No. I am only going to watch. I am not going to really take part. I will probably discover what is going on, long before we decide on any given plan,” I say. “I just wanted you to know, though, because I have to know when the meetings are, and you are the only one who can tell me. You won’t see me there, though, because I will be hiding.”

  “What about going home after words? You shouldn’t go on your own,” he cautions.

  “You could wait and walk me, if you want,” I tell him.

  “I think I would like that,” he smiles.

  “What are you doing tonight?” I ask. “I could fix you something to eat.”

  “You could come eat with us,” he offers.

  “I don’t want to have too much company. Just you, if you want. I am still trying to get over Ferrell’s death. There were so many things I wasn’t aware of when I was married to him. I felt I would never have children with him, so it was just him I lived for. Maybe I loved him too much. Towards the end, we seldom made love. He said he was too tired. Maybe he thought I couldn’t give him babies anyway, so why bother?”

  “Why are you telling me this?” Randy asks.

  “Because there is no one else that I trust enough to tell,” I say truthfully.

  “I am honored that you trust me that much,” Randy murmurs. “I will gladly stay and eat with you,” he says.

  I fix a simple stew and we sit at the small table eating it. “Why haven’t you gotten married, Randy? You are older than Ferrell was, and yet you never took a wife.”

  “No one came along that I thought could make me happy. You know I told you I loved you before Ferrell ever asked you, only I had to accept the fact that you two were meant for each other.”

  “Maybe we weren’t, Randy. Maybe because we grew up together, we just figured there was no one else to marry. I’m going to tell you a confidence, Randy, because maybe you will understand. Jamie and I became lovers. I thought I could never love anyone but Ferrell, and then I discovered that while I was married to Ferrell, I was so innocent, I didn’t know anything about the enjoyment of making love. I let my emotional love for Ferrell take the place of what I never received physically. I didn’t know making love was supposed to feel as good as it did until I made love to Jamie. Ferrell didn’t know how to make love to me because he was innocent too. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this to you, since you have never been married before, but if you ever do…..”

  “You don’t think I would know how to make a woman feel good?” he asks.

  “I didn’t say that. I just know that Ferrell didn’t know. Where would you ever learn something like that, unless you had several lovers, or something? Ferrell never had any lover but me. I didn’t know, until I started making love to Jamie, that I never really knew anything about it.”

  “Is Jamie still your lover?” he asks, but I think he knows the answer before he even asks it.

  “No. I am married now, and Jason says he wants to have children with me. It is too late for that, even if I could have children, because I don’t want to stay married to him, Randy. I can’t trust him, but I don’t think he will ever let me go, whether I ever learn to love him or not. When the time comes, if I decide to leave Jason, would you help me?”

  “You know I would do anything for you, Rose,” he whispers.

  “I knew I could trust you. I don’t trust Jason or Jamie any more. That is why I need to go to the meetings, to discover……”

  “Why don’t you trust Jamie? He is leading the cause. Everyone admires him.”

  “Maybe he really isn’t who he says he is. That is what I want to find out.”

  “You don’t think he would lead us into an ambush, would he?” Randy exclaims.

  “Not if he is a true Irishman. There is just something that is not right. Him being my lover, I was able to get closer to him than anyone else. That is why I have to find out for sure.”

  “Is that why you stopped being his lover?” he asks.

  “No, it was his idea that I stop working for the cause, and in doing so, I couldn’t be his lover any more, since he was still involved with the cause. He is afraid we will get caught and he doesn’t want me involved. Maybe he knows something we don’t know,” I murmur.

  “You think he is some sort of spy, and that is why he wears that mask?”

  “I know why he wears that mask, so maybe you could be right. I just don’t know for sure and that is what I intend to find out. I’ll let you know what I discover.”

  “You are starting to scare me, Rose,” he strains.

  “Maybe it is nothing. But when everything happens, just be extra careful, Randy. I wouldn’t want to lose you, the same way I lost Ferrell. Jamie said it was his fault that they got caught. He said he was the one that sent them out to deliver the papers.”

  “But I was going to help, only Da got sick and I had to stay and work the farm in his place, or I would have gotten caught as well. Your Da took my place, Rose. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you would hate me for it. Originally, it was me and Ferrell that were supposed to deliver the papers. Do you think Jamie made sure they were caught? What good would that do if he is trying to grow the cause?”

  I stiffen. The two men that loved me, and Jamie, or more accurately, Jason, sent both of them out to deliver the papers. Then Ferrell and my Da got caught instead of Randy and Ferrell getting caught, cause Da took his place. Would Jason have gone to those lengths to make sure he could have me?

  “Maybe you are right,” I say. “Maybe I am worrying about nothing.” I can’t tell him about Jason wanting me before I married Ferrell, then taking me after Ferrell was hung, because he intended to ask me to marry him once I got over mourning for Ferrell, and that was why he sent Ferrell out, hoping he would get caught. If I confided in Randy about it, he would know that Jason and Jamie were the same person. I realize there are some things I can’t tell Randy either.

  When we finish eating, Randy goes to his own farmhouse, and I am alone with my memories again.

  Jason comes to check on me every day, but he doesn’t stay for long. He asks me when I plan to come back and I tell him by the beginning of the week. He seems relieved. Maybe he thinks I wanted to leave him for good.

  By the end of the week, there is another meeting scheduled, and I make sure that I am in the barn and up in the loft, long before anyone shows up. Once the meeting gets started, I look down on Jamie, who I know now to be Jason with an Irish accent, giving the latest on the plans. According to him, it is almost decided, and any day there will be a signal to convene for the main assault.

  “There were several plans, put forth,” Jamie tells the gr
oup. “The main target is Dublin, you all know. But how to go about it, is the problem. There are too many police and troops there. The first, proposal was given by James Stephens, suggesting storming and seizure of the three main military arsenals in Dublin at Pigeon House Fort, Magazine fort, and Portobello barracks. But Millen rejected it due to the Fenians’ lack of arms.

  “The second proposal made by John Devoy, suggests we infiltrate the Army. Fenian soldiers would mutiny and take over the military barracks in the city, as a signal for insurrection. Again, Millen rejected the plan, but it was certainly made in earnest.

  “What Millen has settled on in the end is a two-stage plan. In the first stage, the Fenians will wage guerrilla warfare to cut rail and road communication, in bands of 15 to20 men. They are not to fight regularly against the troops or police. We do not want anyone killed, if we can prevent it, but they are to resort to cut off isolated or small parties of police or soldiers, so they cannot take part in trying to stop the main group, who will eventually take over Dublin.”

  “Then as a decoy, we intended to draw the British forces out of Dublin by congregating in Tallaght in large forces, to get ready for stage two; insurrection in the city. Once all the troops are drawn out to Tallaght, another group will take over Dublin. We will go in several small forces into Dublin, so it will not be suspected that is our plan. The main forces will wait in the mountains of Tallaght, and as soon as they are given the signal, they will swoop down upon Dublin and secure the city, pushing out the English.”

  Everyone claps, and Jamie tells them that they will be notified when the plan is ready to go into force, and to stay on the alert. The group wanders out of the barn all talking excitedly together. It sounds like a plan that will win, with ten thousand strong to implement it, everyone agrees.

  When the barn empties, I climb down, and Randy is outside waiting for me. “So do you think it will work?” Randy asks.

  “If all goes as plans. But that is the question. If anything goes wrong, or if we walk into a trap…” I shake my head. “I’m going to follow from a distance, as an observer, not as part of the group,” I tell Randy. “I want to see what really happens.”