Spit and Grit Page 15

  My own response is like a wild unpredictable person I don’t even know. I am rising to him willingly, raking my fingers over his back beneath his shirt. His mouth is devouring my breasts, sucking deep, as he searches for something neither of us are meant to have. And yet, the need is so strong in both of us, that we can’t stop the desire and the drive until we both collapse, breathing so hard we can barely drag the air into our lungs.

  Granger is kissing me gently now, holding me against him, crying softly, his tears mixing with our sweat.

  “I can’t live without you, Mazy,” he groans. “What am I going to do?”

  “What if you have gotten me with child?” I ask him, suddenly regretting my abandon.

  “Forgive me, Mazy. I couldn’t help myself. I love you so much. Seeing you with Butch and knowing he held you next to him. I couldn’t live with that.”

  “This is as bad as Marvin taking me when he was married,” I tell him.

  “But Marvin did not love you. He took any woman he could find. The only woman I have ever wanted is you, Mazy, and you know that. The only woman I will ever want is you,” he breathes. “Meet me tonight at the Branding shed. Say you will come, Mazy.”

  “It won’t be right,” I breathe.

  “This wasn’t right, but you wanted it as much as me. You know you want me the same way I want you, Mazy.”

  “But it won’t change the fact that you are married, and doing this could make me conceive. Then what would I do, Granger?”

  “Marry Butch, and we could continue to be with each other whenever we could find a chance. If you conceive, Butch would believe it was his child.”

  “I could never do that to Butch! I don’t know you anymore, Granger. For you to suggest such a thing… He is your brother, for heaven’s sake.”

  “I just can’t think when I am with you, Mazy. I need you so much. I’ll wait for you at the branding shack,” he tells me, and he gets up and fastens his denims, then climbs up on his horse. “I love you Mazy. I can’t stop loving you,” he says in parting.

  I sit stunned. Not only at Granger, but myself. Something had come over me, that I couldn’t hold back. I knew it was because I had been so disappointed when I discovered Granger had married someone else. Now I didn’t know what to do? I had felt uncomfortable letting Butch kiss me, and yet, I did not stop Granger from taking me completely. I must love him, I tell myself but he is married. I can’t just become his mistress.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  I stand in front of the branding shack. Granger’s horse is already there and I can see the light streaming from the window, where he has lit the lamp inside. Smoke is coming from the stack, and I hesitate. I shouldn’t be here, I tell myself. Still, just thinking about it pulls me to it, and now I am here. I know why Granger wants me here.

  Slowly, I pull the door open and Granger turns from the fireplace, where he had been standing, and looks at me. Then he strides over and pulls me into his arms, crushing my mouth with his. His hands are tearing at my clothes and I am tearing at his clothes as well. It is like the moment we touch an uncontrollable spark is set off and something takes over our senses. All we can think of is touching and feeling the other as our clothes are flung about the room in a frenzy of need.

  The moment Granger has my clothes off, he is pushing me onto the bed, while I am still struggling with his trousers. His mouth is raking over me, kissing and sucking against my skin, disregarding my efforts to pull his own clothes away. His mouth races over me like it can’t wait to touch every part of me. He slips away from my grasp and lowers his mouth over me tantalizing me until I am crying out.

  I leap towards him, pulling away his denims at last, finding that part of him that is the essence of a man. Now I am pushing him down on the bed, remembering how I had painstakingly searched for thorns and felt mortified. I don’t feel mortified now. I can hear him groaning and his hands are pulling me up over him, lifting me, and placing me over him. Our desire for each other intensifies. I feel him lift me as I warp my legs around him, and he is placing me on the edge of the table and we continue to experience that unrestrained need for each other as we explore new ways to achieve it.

  I am marveling at the excitement it gives me, just being with him like this, even though I know it is all wrong. If Ruth ever found out, it would devastate her. I don’t think she would ever forgive Granger.

  My thoughts are pulled away from Ruth as I feel Granger, clutching me hard with his hands, as he shudders against my body. His mouth captures mine and he picks me up again and carries me back to the bed, lowering me gently, onto the mattress.

  Granger lies down beside me. Rocking me in his arms. We have not uttered a word to each other yet. We are afraid to speak. We are afraid to admit that what we are doing is more than dangerous. It could destroy both of us, and on some level, we don’t seem to care.

  Slowly, Granger begins to kiss my body. Languidly and thoroughly he begins the journey with his mouth over my skin. Taking his time, pushing my hand away, every time I start to touch him back. He kisses every inch of my body, as he travels over me with his mouth, while his hand caresses me, and tantalizes me. His mouth tap-dancing on my soul, causing shooting stars meat his touch. Now we start the love dance all over again, as we move in unison, pulling the rapture from within up to the surface again.

  Granger prolongs every movement, never letting himself reach the ultimate rapture, as he continues to bring me to sparkling agony. The kind of agony that turns into bliss when you least expect it and then rests until it springs forth again with continued coaxing. When he finally allows himself the same bliss, it comes crashing against my own bliss, and we swim in that ocean of desire that threatens to drown us unrelentingly in an afterglow of heaven and stardust combined.

  I tremble in his embrace. He is clutching to me as though he is drowning and I am saving him from the depths of despair.

  “Mazy, Mazy, Mazy,” he cries into my hair. “I love you too much, Mazy. I want you too much. You have to promise to come to me as often as you can,” he begs.

  And while I don’t say anything, I wonder if I will? I wonder if I must have this again and again until I can’t have it anymore? Whatever will become of me, I don’t know, and maybe I don’t care. I just know it is something I can’t live without in my life.

  Only when Ruth has her baby, I know I will have to leave. I am going to have to leave all of this behind. I am going to have to stop loving Granger. I can never love Butch because he is too close to Granger. Only, for now, I know I am helpless whenever I am near Granger. He has loved me forever and I have loved him for such a short time, I need to savor it for as long as I can. If I don’t go to him again, will I be able to get over Granger? I think not.

  Granger and I spend the night in the shack. Sleeping and loving and then sleeping again. In the morning, we make love one last time and then Granger gets dressed. He does not say anything to me. He just mouths, “tomorrow”, and leaves me there. Finally, I get dressed and get on Rocket and ride back to my own house.

  I spend the rest of the week working the ranch. I don’t go to the branding shack, even though I want to. I know Granger is waiting there for me, hating me because I won’t come. But I know if I do come, I will not be able to resist the need for him. As long as I don’t see him, I will be safe, I tell myself.

  Butch comes at the end of the week and asks me to go riding with him. The serious look in his eye tells me he suspects something is wrong.

  “I thought you were going to help me with the filly,” he says, but I know that is not what he is worried about.

  “I can’t be where I can see Granger,” I tell him truthfully. “I thought I could, Butch, but it is too painful. I’m waiting until spring, and then I’m leaving. Just don’t tell Granger, Butch. Promise me you won’t tell him.”

  “You’re not going to let me distract you, are you?” he says quietly.

  “You were right, Butch. Granger still loves me. His love for me makes him crazy. He tol
d me he only married Ruth because he was the father of her child. He says he was with her in a weak moment when he was trying to find me.”

  “You’ve been with him, haven’t you?” Butch says.

  “Only once,” I say. “I don’t plan to be with him again,” I promise.

  “Did you let him make love to you?” he asks bluntly.

  “I couldn’t stop him, Butch. I couldn’t stop myself. That is why I can’t come near your place or go to the branding shack ever again.

  “What if you have a child?” he asks. “I kept myself from doing that with you so you wouldn’t take the risk, and yet you don’t care that he does it, even when he is married?”

  His voice sounds gruff.

  “I don’t love you, Butch. It’s not the same with you, as it is with him.”

  “He may love you, Mazy but he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t mind putting you at risk. What kind of real love is that? What is he going to do when you start to carry his child? He can’t marry you like he had to marry his wife,” he growls.

  “Don’t lecture me, Butch! I am the one with the problem, not you.”

  “Let’s just hope you don’t have a problem you can’t handle, Mazy, or someone is going to have to marry you to save you from yourself. And you know it is going to be me if that happens.”

  “No. I won’t let you!” I say. “It would be bad enough if I was actually carrying his child, but to burden you with it…”

  Butch laughs.

  “He was willing to marry you over your last mistake. Besides, it is all in the family. The child would still have Snider blood in it.”

  “Well, I don’t think it will come to that,” I tell him. “I’m not going to go near him again. I can’t afford to.”

  “You have to promise to let me know, Mazy. If you end up conceiving, I gotta know!”

  I purse my lips and look at him.

  “Don’t give me that look, Mazy. Promise!”

  “You aren’t responsible for me,” I tell him. “I don’t care if he is your brother, you shouldn’t have to…”

  Butch pulls his horse up and jumps down and drags me off of my horse.

  “It’s not what I should do, Mazy. It’s what I want to do,” he tells me as he gives me a little shake. “Damn, you know I already love you. Maybe the same way Granger loves you. Only I would never put you in this position, no matter how much I love you, Mazy! So if it comes to it, I’ll tie you down if I have to, in order to make you marry me.”

  “What if I don’t love you?” I ask.

  “You’re too confused to know when you love someone, Mazy, face it. You never could decide about Granger, then you misplace your feelings for Martin and fall in love with a sea captain that you choose to leave because you don’t know if you love Granger or not. You can say you don’t love me all you want and it won’t make a bit of difference. I don’t think I’ll believe you.”

  After saying that, Butch pulls me to him, and kisses me deeply. Then he helps me up onto my horse and climbs on his.

  “There’s only one thing to do about this, Mazy.”

  “What?” I ask.

  “I’m gonna have to take you away from here until we discover your condition. If you haven’t gotten a child, then we still ain’t coming back until you are either married to me or you decide to marry that captain.”

  “How can Randolph write to me, if I am not here?” I want to know.

  “We’ll have your Ma forward your mail, to wherever we end up staying.”

  “And where is that gonna be?” I ask.

  “We have a beach house that belonged to my mother before she married my father. We used to take vacations there when I was young. We can ride the horses on the surf and look for treasures washed up on shore. It will be fun,” he insists.

  “I just got home,” I pout.

  “And you can just leave again,” he tells me. “It’s not like you are going to disappear. Everyone will know where we are. I’ll tell everyone we are going to get married and we want to be alone for a bit.”

  “More pretending. I don’t like it,” I murmur.

  “You put yourself in this situation, Mazy. I’m just trying to help you get yourself out of it.”

  I realize he is right. I have been doing nothing except for getting myself into messes from the beginning, and it all started with me pulling thorns out of Granger’s bottom.

  “Let’s go pack your stuff. I’m not taking any chances with you going to Granger behind my back before we can hightail it out of here. I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

  I don’t say anything. I realize that Butch is probably right. Before, I wouldn’t let Granger do things his way and I ended up paying for it. Now, I decide to let Butch take control. We go to my place and Butch gives Ma the address of where we will be staying, so she can send any mail I get and her own letters to me there. Butch tells her, I have agreed to marry him but we are going to wait for a bit, seeing as how I have just been through a big ordeal. He tells her I need a change of scenery so I can get over Granger first, and Ma agrees with him.

  When we reach the Snider spread, Granger sees us coming. He is mounted on his horse, so he rides up to us.

  “I haven’t seen you around lately,” he says to me.

  I know he means I haven’t come to the branding shack like he wants me to.

  “I’ve been busy,” I say, and lower my eyes.

  “And you aren’t going to see her around for a long while,” Butch informs him. “Mazy is marrying me next spring. I’m taking her to the beach house until then.”

  Granger raises his eyebrows.

  “She told me she was never going to marry you,” he says under his breath.

  “She just changed her mind,” Butch tells him. “Do you have any complaints? If so, you better start spitting them out, not that it would do you much good. We are leaving as soon as I pack up my things. We’re taking the wagon and the filly. We’ll pull the wagon with Mazy and my horses.”

  “This seems pretty sudden,” Granger states.

  “Seems you can’t keep your hands to yourself, Granger. You got a wife now. You need to let up on Mazy. When we come home, she will be my wife and if you even look at her sideways, you are going to end up with a sore jaw.”

  Granger glares at me like he can’t believe I told Butch about us. Then he turns his horse and gallops away.

  “That better be the end of that,” Butch growls, then he looks at me kindly. “It had to be said, Mazy. You know it had to be said so he would keep his distance.”

  Butch packs the wagon with all the things we will need at the beach house and on the trip there. Then he hitches the filly to the back of the wagon.

  “If you marry me, that filly is going to be your wedding present,” he tells me, as he helps me up in the wagon. “If you marry the captain, you probably won’t be needing a horse,” he winks.

  We pull out of the gate and I can see Granger sitting on his horse watching us. His shoulders are slumped and I can see him shaking. I think he is crying. Ruth comes out of their cabin and looks over at him and then she glances at our wagon. She goes back inside. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for myself as well. I will never be able to touch Granger again and he will never be able to touch me.

  Butch puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him. “I’ll keep you happy, Mazy. You may be feeling sad now, but just give it some time.”

  I crawl into the bed of the wagon and lay down on a cot Butch has made up in it. I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes. The rocking of the wagon reminds me of the rocking of the ship and I can feel Randolph’s mouth touching me, or is it Granger’s? I can’t make up my mind.

  It takes three days to get to the beach house. We camp along the way and I look up at the stars as Butch and I lay on the cot Butch made in the back of the wagon. I think of how I had looked up at the stars when I was lying in the rowboat. Back then, I just wanted to jump into the sea. There is no sea to jump into here, I think
. Not until we get to the beach house anyway. I think I will like it at the beach house because it will remind me of when I was on the ship with Randolph. I wonder how long it will take for a letter to get to me from him? However, first it will have to go to my house, and then Ma will have to send it out again, so it will take longer.

  I am thinking the beach house is just this little house on the beach. I do not realize it is a large extravagant house, as nice as the ranch house the Sniders live in. I take in my breath when Butch pulls up to it.

  “You look a little shocked,” he smiles as he helps me down from the wagon. “Go on in and explore while I put the horses away,” he tells me. “Then you can help me unload the wagon.”

  Butch opens the door and I timidly go in and look around. There are long tall windows all side by side, stretching across one side of the great hall, facing out to sea. I walk over and look at the waves crashing against the sand. It is late fall and the sea seems angry. I don’t even get a chance to look at the house because I get caught up in watching the ocean, and then Butch is standing beside me, putting his arm around my waist, watching the ocean with me.

  “I have always loved this house. When you marry me, we could live here, if you want. Then you wouldn’t ever have to see Granger except at family gatherings.”

  “If I marry you, not when I marry you,” I correct.

  “You’re gonna marry me, Mazy. I can feel it in my bones,” he smiles down at me and lowers his lips to mine.

  I feel suddenly helpless, and I turn and cling to Butch’s neck.

  “If you are too tired, we can unload the wagon tomorrow,” he says softly, and he is picking me up and carrying me up some stairs.