Spit and Grit Page 6

  Granger looks at me as though I had slapped him in the face.

  “What are you up to, Mazy?” he asks. “It’s that cousin of your’s isn’t it? I saw the way you were looking at him and he was looking at you the same way.”

  “I have never pretended to love you, Granger, and you know it. I should never have let you talk me into pretending like I was going to marry you. Now your parents are going to be all mad at me and Ma is not so happy about it herself. I’ve been telling you for a long time now we needed to end it and not drag it on to the end of the year. So now I’m doing it.”

  “The first handsome face to come along, and you don’t want anything to do with me any longer,” Granger sulks.

  “You knew I was not going to marry you, Granger. If Marvin asks me, I have a chance to be a real lady and leave ranching for good. You said yourself I make a better woman than a man and if I stay here, I will end up looking just like Ma, by the time I am her age. That’s not what I want, Granger.”

  “My Ma is still young and beautiful looking. I would never work you, Mazy. You wouldn’t get old before your time.”

  “But I don’t love you, Granger. I want to love the man I marry.”

  “You don’t even know that Marvin will ask you. How do you know you can love him anyway?” he demands.

  “There’s something about him. It makes me feel different, and he gives me a look that tells me more than just words can say.”

  “You are plumb daffy, Mazy. I always thought you were down to earth and level-headed. Now I have my doubts about you.”

  “That’s because you have never really known me, Granger. I don’t know why you want to hold out for me anyway. I have never tried to encourage you, and you know it.”

  “Well, like you say, there is something about you when I am around you. Its more than words can say, and even if I said the words, you wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

  “I told you not to start loving me, Granger. So don’t you go feeling all sorry for yourself because I don’t want to choose you.”

  Granger doesn’t say anything. He just turns his back and climbs up on his horse and rides away.

  Marvin is constantly attentive and we sit for hours talking. I never talked much with Granger except about ranch things, but Marvin has such a vast knowledge of so many subjects. There are so many topics that he wants to explain to me. I become enthralled and hang on his every word.

  We take long walks or go for drives in his buggy and he reads me poetry and brings me flowers. He hires a man to come in and help with the ranch. Billy asks when Granger is coming back. I just say I don’t know. Marvin tells me all about the big cities on the eastern side of the states. He tells me about New York and how he would love to take me on a tour of it someday. He kisses my hand and sometimes my cheek. Then he looks longingly at my mouth like he wants to kiss it as well, but he seems such a gentleman, he would never trick me into anything, the way Granger did.

  However, he never brings up the matter of marriage or acts like he may ask me. I appease myself by thinking he is just giving me time to get to know him better. I can tell he seems to enjoy being around me. Marvin puts his arm around my waist when we walk together and he looks into my eyes when he quotes poetry to me. He whispers things in my ear and finds all sorts of reasons to touch me.

  One evening, we are riding out in his open buggy when a rainstorm suddenly comes out of nowhere. We are starting to get soaked and I realize that we are not too far from the cook shack, so I direct him to it. Marvin ties up his horse to the post and we tumble into the shack.

  I start to build the fire, while Marvin watches me. My hair is clinging to my shoulders and water drips from my dress. His shirt is plastered to his skin and I suggest he take it off and hang it on one of the pegs on the mantle to dry. He starts to remove it, as he walks over to where I am standing, and when he hangs it on the peg, he comes over to me and begins to unbutton the front of my dress.

  “Your dress is as wet as my shirt,” he tells me. “Perhaps you should take it off and let it dry as well.”

  I stand, feeling mesmerizes as he pulls it away and hangs it on a peg.

  “It seems your under things are soaked as well,” he observes.

  I blink when he begins to untie the front of my shift and push it away from my shoulders. He had been so careful to play the perfect gentleman that I am surprised he would undress me, the way he is doing. I think of how Granger had tricked me, insisting I remove my wet clothes so he could feel my skin against his as we lay in the cot together. Only this is different. I know I want to be with Marvin like this as I feel him removing the rest of my under things, then picks me up, and carries me to the cot.

  Marvin looks down at my nude body as he slowly takes his trousers off. I look at him boldly, thinking about the stallion and how the mare had excited him so much. I sort of take in my breath, but I realize this is what I want, because if Marvin touches me, I am sure it will be out of love, and then he will ask me to marry him.

  “You are so very lovely,” he breathes, as he reaches his hand out and begins to touch my body. When he lies down beside me, I reach out and touch his cheek. He seems pleased with my light caress. He lies there a few minutes just staring down into my eyes. Then his hand begins to caress me. Finally, his hand seeks me out and I think he is going to bring me pleasure like Granger had done. Instead, he is moving over on top of me. The next thing I know he is plunging down and I let out a scream, as pain shoots throughout my body.

  I can hear him give a chuckle.

  “Why you are a virgin,” he says sounding pleased yet surprised. “The way you have been teasing me all this time, I thought you were used to this kind of thing.”

  I don’t know what he means about me teasing him? I hadn’t realized I was teasing him. Then he is working against me. Not kissing me or even talking to me but just acting like he is impatient to accomplish something, and I am crying for him to slow down.

  “I will,” he promises, “you just need to be patient.”

  His movements continue and the pain has finally past. Only now, I just feel numb thinking about that mare, and wondering if this is how she felt? At last, he falls against me, letting out a low groan.

  “In a moment we will do this again,” he tells me. “Just let me catch my breath. The second time is always better.”

  I lie there completely confused. I keep thinking that he will tell me he loves me and wants to marry me. I can’t understand why he isn’t even kissing me. However, I am so shocked, that I don’t know what to say. I had encouraged him to take his shirt off. I had reached out to him, welcoming him beside me. I thought it was going to be like when I was with Granger, and I remembered how Granger had said if he made love to me like I begged him to, he would have to marry me. The thought calms me. Now I know that Marvin will have to marry me for doing this, especially since I was a virgin.

  Finally, Marvin seems to get his second wind. He turns me over and I am shocked when I discover how he wants to take me then. All I can think of is that stallion, mounted on that mare, and I think that Granger was wrong. The Mare wasn’t liking it, she was just tolerating it because she knew she couldn’t get away. I wonder how long he will be able to keep it up and it seems like forever, before he is finished. Then he collapses on the cot beside me, and falls asleep.

  I remember how Granger told me it takes a lot of energy to father a foal. The sudden thought comes to me, thinking that doing this, Marvin could be fathering his own offspring. I look down at his sleeping face. Questions are racing around in my brain. I think of how nice it had felt to have Granger’s hands on me, but perhaps that was just to make up for what the real thing was all about I think.

  I am disappointed that Marvin did not bother to take the time to give me that advance pleasure. In spite of his treatment of me, I am thinking he has to marry me now, and I feel I can be happy with him. It will get better, I am certain. He must know the ways to touch a woman to bring on that euphoric feeling, an
d if not, I can teach him. When he wakes he will ask me to marry him and we can go back east and tour New York. I will get to see all the sights he has told me about. We will read poetry every night, and eventually, he will express his love for me with gentler actions.

  I lie there listening to the rain pouring on the roof and then it slowly subsides. Finally, Marvin opens his eyes and looks at me.

  “I will be going back home tomorrow,” he tells me. “But I will never forget you, Mazy. I will never forget this day with you.”

  “When will you be coming back?” I ask, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

  “I don’t know. I hadn’t even thought about it. You are all set up at the ranch now. I put some money in your mother’s account to tide you over if you need anything beyond what I have given you already.

  I was sent here by my mother to make sure you were both secure and had the help you needed. I have done that, and now I must return.”

  “You are never coming back?” I gasp.

  “Oh, perhaps someday,” he says. “Not right away, though.”

  “What we did together didn’t mean anything to you?” I ask totally shocked, feeling the tears starting to sting behind my lids.

  “I didn’t realize you were a virgin, Mazy. You acted like you knew what you were doing. I thought you wanted me to do that. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.”

  “You took away my virginity and you are not going to marry me?” I cry.

  “I’m sorry about taking away your virginity, Mazy, but there is no way I can marry you, Mazy. I am already married.”

  “You are married? Why didn’t you tell us? You never spoke once about your wife while you were here!”

  “Had I told you, this would never have happened. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you on the porch, and I wasn’t going to leave until I accomplished that goal. Now that I have accomplished it, I can leave.”

  I just stare at him and then I start screaming.

  “If you are going to leave, then leave now! Get out of here! How could you treat me as though I am just something to gratify you? You are a horrible person!”

  I am picking up things and throwing them at him. He is trying to dodge them as he starts pulling his clothes on. “How will you get back?” he asks me with concern I don’t believe is real.

  “I’m never going back,” I scream. “You have ruined me! No one will want me now, not even Granger.”

  He doesn’t argue with me. Had it been Granger, he would have drug me out and taken me home whether I wanted to go or not, but Marvin just puts his clothes on, goes out the door, and gets in his buggy and drives away.

  I fall against the cot sobbing uncontrollably. I have ruined my life, I think. Marvin has ruined my life, but I let him do it. I wanted him to do it. I am so stupid and innocent, just like Granger said I was. I can never face my mother or anyone again. When I finally gain the strength to leave this shack, I will get on Rocket and ride away and never come back, I vow.

  I don’t know how long I cry. The fire flickers out and I don’t bother to keep it going. I just lie on the bed, not even bothering to get dressed. Just shivering there in my misery and disappointment. I should have known better, and yet, I was so certain Marvin was the man I wanted to love.

  I am half asleep and half crying because every time I think about it, new tears start to fall from my eyes. I am shivering because the fire has gone out. I jerk when I hear the door open and then someone is beside the bed, and I hear Granger crying out.

  “Oh Mazy, Mazy, what happened?”

  I turn and take one look at him and then turn away and bury my head in the mattress and begin sobbing all over again.

  “Go away. I don’t need you. I don’t want you!” I cry.

  “You’re freezing,” Granger says, as he reaches out to touch me and I flinch away from him. He goes over and builds up the fire from the coals that are still glowing on the hearth. Then he comes back to the cot and he lays down beside me and puts his body over mine to warm me up. He pulls me into his arms and holds me, then he notices the blood on the mattress and he starts screaming, No, no, no, and he clings to me even tighter, and rocks me. I can feel his tears falling on my bare skin.

  “I’ll kill him, I’ll kill him,” he keeps saying over and over again. “Oh Mazy love, my poor Mazy. Is he going to marry you? Your Ma said he left and told her you were up in some shack and he couldn’t get you to come with him. Talk to me Mazy! For God’s sake talk to me.”

  “He is already married,” I barely croak, and I start sobbing again.

  “You know you could get a baby, from this,” he says. “Didn’t you know that Mazy?”

  “I didn’t even realize he was doing it until it was too late,” I say. “And then I thought he would marry me. You said if you had done that with me, I would have to marry you.”

  “Because I would not leave you high and dry if that happened. I would make a decent woman out of you. I’ll do it now, Mazy. I’ll marry you, and no one needs to know. They all thought I was going to marry you anyway, and if you get a baby, they will think it is mine.”

  “You can’t do that Granger. How can you even look at me, let alone say you will marry me? I’m not fit to be your wife. I threw you over for him, I am not worthy of you, Granger. It was my fault. It was my fault.”

  “Hush. It is never the woman’s fault. You can’t make a man do that if he doesn’t want to. So don’t you dare go blaming yourself. I’m going to marry you, Mazy, whether you like it or not. You hear me? I am going to marry you and love you and take care of you, and if there’s a baby involved, I’ll take care of it too.”

  “I can’t let you do that, Granger. You should marry someone who loves you the same way you love them. You shouldn’t have to take on someone else’s baby.”

  “Whatever comes out of you, I will love as much as I love you, Mazy. I love you so much, Mazy. Even if you don’t love me, you have to let me marry you. I’ll marry you and make love to you, and then we won’t know if it is his baby or mine. I will just assume it is mine. Then there will be nothing to worry about, Mazy.”

  “I don’t want you to make love to me. I am never going to let a man do that to me again! You were wrong, Granger, that mare wasn’t liking it, she was just letting it happen because there was nothing she could do about it. They were holding her and holding the stallion. It was almost like rape, except I suppose animals do not consider it rape.”

  “He didn’t rape you, did he?” Granger gasps.

  “I didn’t say no, Granger. I let him do it because I thought it was going to be like when you touched me, but it was nothing like that. You’re not a woman. How could you tell that when you do something like that with a woman she feels nothing but you pounding against her?”

  “No, no, Mazy. It’s not like that. When there is love involved it can feel wonderful, just like it felt when I touched you,” he insists, as he hugs me to him.

  Only I know he is wrong. Maybe love could bring on that feeling if the man took the time to touch his wife that way, but having him almost defile you once the touching had ended, was a whole different experience, and I never want to go through it again, I tell myself.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Granger stays with me all night, hugging me to him and keeping the fire going. When morning comes, I get dressed and he puts me up on his horse, then swings up behind the saddle and takes me back to my home. He tells Ma that I got a chill in the rain and need to stay in bed for a couple of days. He says when I am feeling better, she needs to make the arrangements for the wedding because I have changed my mind and agreed to marry him after all.

  Ma looks confused, but she knows something is wrong, so she doesn’t say anything and just smiles. Granger insists on carrying me upstairs and putting me in bed, and Ma does not stop him. He pushes my hair back from my face and kisses my lips.

  “I love you, Mazy love, and nothing is going to change that. I’ve loved you for a long time. Long before I ever saw you at
that stream. Long before I ever had you touching me, or me touching you. You’re not going to change that love in me, Mazy, so don’t you even think you can. I know you think you don’t love me, and maybe you don’t. However, I can make you happy, Mazy. Just give me a chance to show you.”

  I know Granger can make me happy. He could make any woman happy. He is so loving and giving and forgiving, but while he is trying to make me happy, I will be miserable because I know I don’t deserve it. I shunned him. I said I would never love him or marry him. He treated me kind and I just spit in his eye. I realize that I do love Granger, but it is too late to do anything about it. Even if he marries me, I would feel guilty for putting him through this. I may be having a baby that isn’t even his and that is the worst thing someone can do to a man, I think. He thinks he can love it, but he will always wonder if it is his or Marvin’s child. I will always wonder the same thing.

  If I did get a child from Marvin, I want to know if it is his or not. I am not going to let Granger fix my mistakes and take on responsibilities that do not belong to him. Marvin has money. If I have his child, I will demand retribution. I will tell his wife what a scoundrel Marvin is. I will get revenge for what he did to me!

  When Granger leaves, I get dressed in my denims and go downstairs. Ma looks surprised.

  “I’m not going to marry Granger, Ma,” I tell her. “He wants me to and he says he loves me, but I can’t let him ruin his life over me. Marvin took away my virginity and Granger wants to make up for it, but he can’t, Ma. Nobody can. I’m going to take some of the money from the account Marvin set up for us, and I’m leaving. Don’t you dare tell Granger until he comes back in a couple of days. He don’t deserve someone like me. He deserves better and he won’t get better if he keeps thinking he loves me. Once I get in a good place I’ll write you, and let you know.”

  “Where will you go?” Ma asks.

  “Did you know Marvin was married?” I say suddenly, and Ma starts to look angry. “I’m going to hunt that bastard down and I am going to tell his wife what he did to me so he won’t have another happy moment in his marriage, the same way I won’t ever have another happy moment in my life. After that, I’ll decide what I am going to do. By then I’ll know if he gave me a baby or not, and if I am going to have a child by him, I will make him pay, Ma. I will go to Pa’s cousin and tell her what her son did to me, and make him pay!”